I have this incredible friend whose name is Melissa. She's an inspiration to many. She's one of my biggest role models. She's the bravest person I've ever met. The strongest. Most courageous. Loving. Kind. Sweet. Hilarious. Pretty. Person. Ever. And I love her so stinkin' much. Melissa was born with Cystic Fibrosis, which effects your lungs, and has had transplants and is also in end-stage kidney failure. She's in and out of the hospital frequently and life has had a lot of bumps in the road for her. But our God provides and is faithful and He has brought her this far already. Last summer, 2012, she was at death's door but Jesus closed that one and opened one up for some healing and relief. As of right now, I'm praying she'll make it through the night.
It's hard to stay dependent on God in this situation. It's hard to trust that things will be okay, no matter the circumstances. It's hard to know these things.
But it's also easy to know that God has Melissa wrapped up in His arms. It's easy to know that I can find comfort in Jesus. It's easy to know that if God calls her home, she'll be really excited to meet Him. And if not, she's totally excited to serve Him still here on earth.
With all that being said, God has blessed me with an incredible community here that I can lean on and rely on. Tonight I crawled on my friend's couch while two of them rubbed my back and head and I laid on one of their laps and cried. Simply cried.
God taught me a lot last summer when Melissa almost died. He taught me a lot about finding rest in Him and depending on Him. I'm relearning this lesson right now. Selfishly, I want her here for as long as possible. But selflessly, I want her to be in no more pain.
All that being said, I'm learning again what it seriously means to be dependent on God through the illness of my friend. I'm learning that walking by faith and not sight is most important. I'm learning that if I don't rely on God then I won't get through anything even near to the severity of losing a friend. That I really need to speak words of love and encouragement into other people's lives. To be intentional with my relationships with people and to listen and love them so much more than I do. I'm learning to live a life with lots more love and lots more faith and dependence on the One who matters.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Frustrations.
I've been struggling with my frustrations a lot lately. I even said last night that emotionally, I am done. I can't do this anymore. Being emotionally exhausted makes every other part of me exhausted and that's been me for the last few days. I haven't been able to even come close to getting a grip on it.
I have been so caught up in what was going on in my life that at times I forget to turn to Jesus about them. I forget that I can find comfort in Him and in His love.
It's frustrating when someone close to you continually puts you down. Continually puts your faith down. Continually puts something you love doing down. It's frustrating that they don't get it. It's frustrating that they don't see why you do what you do or believe what you believe. I start to try to take comfort in the natural emotional response of anger. I try to find rest in the fact that being angry is okay. The reality is that those feelings never fully satisfy me. They wear me out and wear me down. I become easily worn.
Jesus says that because He was persecuted, we will be persecuted also. At times, that is frustrating. I don't want loves ones criticizing my faith and beliefs or what I do for God. Sometimes I wish God just waved a magic wand and my life would be great and hurt free. But what kind of life is that? How will I ever learn or grow? Some of my biggest growths have come from hurt and pain.
The Bible also says in Isaiah 26:3 that "You will keep in perfect peace those who minds are steadfast, because they trust you." We can be given this peace, not any peace but God's peace, when we keep our minds set on Him. How awesome is that?! We can remain at peace when we focus on God. Not an easy thing to do because it's easy to throw our anger on Him when something goes wrong. That's one solution. The better solution is to seek Him even more. Wrap yourself up in His love. Know that He will guide you through whatever it may be. Know that He is never letting to of you. And you can find true rest and comfort in Him. His peace. His love.
I choose Jesus. I choose to find rest in Him. I choose to know His love for me is very real and never failing. Although I know all of those things, not letting my angry flesh take hold is still something I struggle with daily. And only Jesus can help me beat it.
I have been so caught up in what was going on in my life that at times I forget to turn to Jesus about them. I forget that I can find comfort in Him and in His love.
It's frustrating when someone close to you continually puts you down. Continually puts your faith down. Continually puts something you love doing down. It's frustrating that they don't get it. It's frustrating that they don't see why you do what you do or believe what you believe. I start to try to take comfort in the natural emotional response of anger. I try to find rest in the fact that being angry is okay. The reality is that those feelings never fully satisfy me. They wear me out and wear me down. I become easily worn.
Jesus says that because He was persecuted, we will be persecuted also. At times, that is frustrating. I don't want loves ones criticizing my faith and beliefs or what I do for God. Sometimes I wish God just waved a magic wand and my life would be great and hurt free. But what kind of life is that? How will I ever learn or grow? Some of my biggest growths have come from hurt and pain.
The Bible also says in Isaiah 26:3 that "You will keep in perfect peace those who minds are steadfast, because they trust you." We can be given this peace, not any peace but God's peace, when we keep our minds set on Him. How awesome is that?! We can remain at peace when we focus on God. Not an easy thing to do because it's easy to throw our anger on Him when something goes wrong. That's one solution. The better solution is to seek Him even more. Wrap yourself up in His love. Know that He will guide you through whatever it may be. Know that He is never letting to of you. And you can find true rest and comfort in Him. His peace. His love.
I choose Jesus. I choose to find rest in Him. I choose to know His love for me is very real and never failing. Although I know all of those things, not letting my angry flesh take hold is still something I struggle with daily. And only Jesus can help me beat it.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Worth.
Worth.
What a powerful word. A word with meaning. A word that can change a person. A word I've been struggling with.
We find our worth in lots of different things: Our success. Our academics. Boys. Girls. Friends. Family. Careers. Wealth. Fitting in. Love.
If we can just achieve some of these things and achieve them well then we'll be okay. We tend to think that these are the things that matter and determine our worth in this world. For me, I always wanted to fit in. I wanted to be well-liked. I wanted people to know that I existed and be my friend. That was one of my heart's deepest desires and I'm pretty sure if all went as I hoped then I would have been over the moon excited. But that's not exactly how my story went. I was incredibly shy and I wasn't well-liked. In fact, I was made fun of a lot when I entered public school, I was homeschooled through 5th grade, and it continued into jr.high. People were mean and rude and I thought life sucked. I used the ever so common "I'm fine" way too often. I was finding my worth in what people thought of me and I didn't necessarily have someone at home to help "fix" me. My mother shows love in seemingly unloving ways and her words hurt. Comments about my weight. Comments about what I wore. Comments about what I did. You name it, she had a judgement about it. I was continually finding my worth in people's opinions of me and that's how I defined who I was in life. I opened a box full of insecurities and honestly, I haven't closed it yet.
As I got older I found worth in not just other people's opinions but I especially cared what guys thought. To this day I've never dated anyone and have never been kissed but know that doesn't make me innocent. I have been more emotionally and physically involved with someone than I ever should have been. He gave attention and I was quick to take it. And when I no longer got the same attention I felt worthless. I thought I wasn't good enough. Maybe those bullies were right, maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed all these feelings aside and there came "I'm fine" again.
My mom puts me on an emotional roller coaster pretty consistently. One day she's mad and upset over the littlest thing and the next she thinks I'm fantastic. Most recently, however, she sent an email and it was all about how disappointed she was in me. Talk about a huge blow to my self-esteem. To what I thought about my worth. I've never felt good enough or like I'll ever live up to what she wants me to be, never getting her ultimate approval.
Worth.
I've been struggling with that word a lot lately. What it means to me. Where I stand in it and where I place my worth. A powerful word. After I got that email a good friend reminded me of an even more powerful truth. That I have a Father in Heaven who sees me as beloved and worth dying for. Get that? Worth dying for. Not worthless. But worth more. More than I'll ever know. Worth enough for Jesus to die for me. Worth enough that He would have died had it been to save solely me. Worth enough to love me unconditionally, faults and all.
Yes, the things our parents say have weight to them. They can build us up or cut deep to our core. Yes, there are guys out there that see girls as objects and use them. Yes, all these things exist that we tend to put our worth in. And not so much in where it truly matters. In Christ. See, I have a Father that will always love, always forgive, always be there, and always help. To not find my worth in Him would be silly. God has been reminding me a lot lately that I'm not finding my worth in Him, but in others. And He is all that matters so despite how much others have hurt me I can find peace, comfort and rest in Him and His unconditional, unending love for me.
That in Him, not only am I worth MORE. I am worth EVERYTHING.
What a powerful word. A word with meaning. A word that can change a person. A word I've been struggling with.
We find our worth in lots of different things: Our success. Our academics. Boys. Girls. Friends. Family. Careers. Wealth. Fitting in. Love.
If we can just achieve some of these things and achieve them well then we'll be okay. We tend to think that these are the things that matter and determine our worth in this world. For me, I always wanted to fit in. I wanted to be well-liked. I wanted people to know that I existed and be my friend. That was one of my heart's deepest desires and I'm pretty sure if all went as I hoped then I would have been over the moon excited. But that's not exactly how my story went. I was incredibly shy and I wasn't well-liked. In fact, I was made fun of a lot when I entered public school, I was homeschooled through 5th grade, and it continued into jr.high. People were mean and rude and I thought life sucked. I used the ever so common "I'm fine" way too often. I was finding my worth in what people thought of me and I didn't necessarily have someone at home to help "fix" me. My mother shows love in seemingly unloving ways and her words hurt. Comments about my weight. Comments about what I wore. Comments about what I did. You name it, she had a judgement about it. I was continually finding my worth in people's opinions of me and that's how I defined who I was in life. I opened a box full of insecurities and honestly, I haven't closed it yet.
As I got older I found worth in not just other people's opinions but I especially cared what guys thought. To this day I've never dated anyone and have never been kissed but know that doesn't make me innocent. I have been more emotionally and physically involved with someone than I ever should have been. He gave attention and I was quick to take it. And when I no longer got the same attention I felt worthless. I thought I wasn't good enough. Maybe those bullies were right, maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed all these feelings aside and there came "I'm fine" again.
My mom puts me on an emotional roller coaster pretty consistently. One day she's mad and upset over the littlest thing and the next she thinks I'm fantastic. Most recently, however, she sent an email and it was all about how disappointed she was in me. Talk about a huge blow to my self-esteem. To what I thought about my worth. I've never felt good enough or like I'll ever live up to what she wants me to be, never getting her ultimate approval.
Worth.
I've been struggling with that word a lot lately. What it means to me. Where I stand in it and where I place my worth. A powerful word. After I got that email a good friend reminded me of an even more powerful truth. That I have a Father in Heaven who sees me as beloved and worth dying for. Get that? Worth dying for. Not worthless. But worth more. More than I'll ever know. Worth enough for Jesus to die for me. Worth enough that He would have died had it been to save solely me. Worth enough to love me unconditionally, faults and all.
Yes, the things our parents say have weight to them. They can build us up or cut deep to our core. Yes, there are guys out there that see girls as objects and use them. Yes, all these things exist that we tend to put our worth in. And not so much in where it truly matters. In Christ. See, I have a Father that will always love, always forgive, always be there, and always help. To not find my worth in Him would be silly. God has been reminding me a lot lately that I'm not finding my worth in Him, but in others. And He is all that matters so despite how much others have hurt me I can find peace, comfort and rest in Him and His unconditional, unending love for me.
That in Him, not only am I worth MORE. I am worth EVERYTHING.
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