3 months. It's been 3 months since I made the commitment to Jesus and to myself that I was going to be intentionally single for a year. I'm pretty certain time is moving quicker than ever before. I cannot believe it's been three months since I cried out to God and He called me to this year of intentional singleness. 9 months are left and I am so excited for every single one of those months because God grows, shapes, and teaches me more at every point along the way. What a blessing it is to serve a God who does that.
Last month I talked about how all of these old temptations were thrown in my face and how hard it was to avoid them. This month I have good news. Although talking to someone who caused a lot of damage is hard and potentially unhealthy, we had a good conversation about us and our past. I have always been scared to stand up to him with how he really made me feel. For the first time, I was completely honest. I spoke of my feelings of worthlessness, being used, unimportant, and brokenness. Although much didn't come back from his end, I found freedom. No longer did I feel as if he had all of this power over me. That freedom is indescribable. And it's beautiful.
My friend Chris worked for WinShape camps this summer where they taught kids about the love of Christ and a question they asked their kids was "Who sits on the throne on your heart?" and it became a question he asked himself a lot. It's now a question I ask myself.
Emily, who sits on the throne of your heart? Is it Jesus? Is it school? Is it your insecurities? I think the answer has been all of those things at some point in time. Ultimately, it needs to be Jesus. However, it is so hard to not let the busyness of life and the feelings of wanting to be good enough take over. I struggle living under the expectations and standards set for me by a parent and I think because of that seeing God's love as completely unconditional has always been something that is hard for me to grasp. I've been told I don't love well enough, that I don't succeed enough, I don't look enough, I've been told I bring hurt time and time again and as I sit on those words I hurt. My heart breaks. I get frustrated at myself and them. I find it harder to love that person more and more. In turn, I get upset with God. Why? How? All questions I ask as I begin to grow frustrated with Jesus. It's hard for me to not to get upset with God in those situations.
As Chris sat and talked about his experience this summer he told me about a book that Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson, wrote called "One Way Love" (which isn't actually out yet so props to Chris for being awesome) which happened to be ALL about God's unconditional love for us and His Grace. The day that he sent it to me, I was already finished with chapter 3. "Grace has the power to bind generations together" I read those words in this book and was stopped in my tracks. It clicked. If I can swallow my pride and begin to pour out unconditional love more and put less conditions on this relationship, things could change. Even when I don't rise up to the expectations set for me, I don't buy into that burden that starts to sit on my shoulders. I find my worth in Christ and Christ alone.
"The one-way love of God is restorative and reconciling because in the mystery of His cross, God has neutralized the effects of sin, forgiven its offense, blotted out its stain, expiated its guilt, and created a new beginning" (Tchividjian). This one-way love of God that I have a hard time grasping says that I shouldn't hold onto my sins. It says that God always knew I was going to make mistakes and He took care of them for me. It says that because of Christ, I get to have life instead of death. I can take these sins, let go, and let my heart feel redemption and restoration.
Another thing I struggle with is being "okay". "The Gospel, in other words, liberates us to be okay with not being okay" (Tchividjian). I recently felt needy for asking a couple of people on my YL team to pray for me as I was missing my sweet friend that passed away back in April because in my head all I heard was "Emily, you should be okay by now, its July. She died in April. Get over yourself." How ridiculous was I to buy into that lie?! I called my friend Abby and she challenged to walk back inside that house and ask them for prayer and that is what I did, including my feelings of seeming needy. I was encouraged by their words of affirmation in not being needy and them being there for me, always. Just one example of me struggling with being okay with not being okay.
(I'll reflect more on the book later, it's awesome)
This past month has been cause for a lot of growth. It feels like leaps and bounds. I'm grateful for the God that I serve and the way that He loves me. Because Jesus is a Savior, He takes my brokenness and makes it beautiful(All Sons & Daughters,
Brokenness Aside) and that is something that's been so evident in this time, this last month especially. I've found freedom in places I've always found myself in chains, grown in my relationship with Christ, realized things I could do to make certain relationships better, and know that it's okay to not be okay.
Prayers: that I can begin to always grasp the unconditional love of God, continual redemption of my heart, broken relationships in my life, and being open to what God has in store for me in these next 9 months.
I'll leave you with a beautiful song by All Sons & Daughters. Let the words resonate with you, they've been heavy on my heart.
Spirit Speaks
Love y'all and as always, let me know if you have any comments or questions. Would love to speak with you.
