Over this Christmas break, I drove to the surrounding areas of Orlando to spend some time with my old roommate from the summer, Alyssa, and I've gotten to hang out with some of my Gainesville friends and it's been a sweet time so far. Right now, she's at work and I'm at Starbucks sipping on my Peppermint Mocha and spending some time with myself, reading and writing and changing around my class schedule "for the last time" I tell myself.
Yesterday, Alyssa, Cory, and I went on an adventure. There's this trail that you can get on behind her house and we walked to the creek and begun to explore. We each had a turn leading the exploration we were embarking on. Alyssa called us "triplets" as we walked and talked with one another. We walked in the water, alongside the water, around the water. We walked through bushes and this area that Cory said looked like fingers coming out of the ground, but really they were tree roots poking way out of the ground. I think I got bit by something while on our adventure and I got some scratches from walking through prickly brush. There was this mud-like terrain that seemed to act like quick sand because once you stepped onto it your feet begin to sink quickly. We ventured out of the woods and came across a road that signaled we were much farther away from where we started than we thought. After finding our way back to the bridge we set up our hammocks underneath it and simply "hung" out. We were dirty and sweaty but that didn't matter one bit because we were with each other and living life alongside one another on this adventure.
More and more, I have been learning how much of an adventurous heart I really do have. I love going on adventures. I love to explore. My heart's desire is to travel to the ends of the earth and then some. I don't know that I can explain why my heart has such a desire, but it's one of my biggest passions. My life has been full of exciting adventures: several camps, work crew at Trail West, Skydiving, college is an adventure in itself, leading Young Life, taking kids to camp, Honduras, Haiti...all full of joy and excitement. I've recently learned that even if something is painful or hard, that doesn't make it any less of an adventure. Venturing through my family, hard friendships, loss of a dearly loved friend, fighting through my personal regrets and heartache. Those are also adventures; however, they are not filled with excitement but rather sadness and often times, tears. And that's okay. (tears being okay is also something else I have learned). Those adventures aren't necessarily fun for me, but they are certainly a learning experience. I read a blog by Donald Miller this morning entitled "The Greatest Impact You Have May Come Out Of Your Pain" and it reminded me of God's promise that He turns our pain into something beautiful. In this post, Donald Miller wrote "When we stay bitter, we don't grow, and we don't help the people around us." Reread that quote. Think about it. Pray on it. Believe it. I believe it. I believe that if I were to have stayed bitter towards my dad I wouldn't have been able to speak truth and wisdom into someone else's life. I could go on and on with examples, but I'll save you from all that. It goes to show that even the hard and painful adventures are worth it more than I could ever imagine.
I pray that I will willingly and excitedly go wherever and whatever Jesus has called me to in this life. I pray that He never ceases to surprise me, one adventure after another, be it exciting or hard. Because I see God as an adventurous God. I have no clue as to what adventures The Lord is going to be taking me on in life or what my next step after college looks like. However, I do know that The Lord is good and loves me and knows the desires of my heart. My heart is to serve and love others and to do that well, no matter what capacity that may be in. My heart loves Haiti, my heart loves YL and my girls, my heart loves my community, my heart loves to travel and be in new places. Like I said, I may not know much, but I do know that God has carved out a beautiful plan for my life and weaved these desires into my soul. My Redeemed Soul.
Monday, December 30, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
Jesus always shows up.
I'm sitting in the architecture building on campus with one of my favorite people just hanging out. These are some of my favorite moments. Moments like this when I'm allowed to sit and just be with my favorites. I think one of my favorite parts of hanging with Kenz is how real we are with one another. She can ask the hard questions and the easy questions and I get to process my life with her. It's a sweet picture of how life is supposed to be walked alongside a community. Such a blessing to have people in my life that I get to do life with who consistently pour into me so much and so well.
Today Kenz asked me if I was excited for break and I think for the first time I was able to genuinely answer "Yes! I'm excited because I'm excited to see my parents." This will be the second time I will be home since the beginning of August and the second time I've seen my dad and brother since August. Thanksgiving was great, but I saw them for like 5 hours and I was so sick that I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. I am actually craving quality time with my parents, and lots of it. I want to sit and watch endless hours of NCIS with my dad. I want to go shopping with my mom, as much as I hate shopping. I want to drink coffee and hot apple cider and simply be with my family. Those of you that know me well, know that it is very unlike me to say those things and it's only because of Jesus that I can say them.
God has worked so much on my heart and my relationship between me and my parents, specifically my mom and I. It's been such a blessing to see the beginning of healing in our relationship. I'm unaware if she even knows how much she has hurt me over the years, but my heart has began to soften a lot towards her and that has been a beautiful, and at times painful, process to be a part of. I find peace in our conversations and they are conversations that are full of love. They are conversations that are meaningful and hopeful for our relationship. They bring me such joy. God has been changing my heart from a position of bitterness and one of disdain to one of complete love and grace towards them. How can I expect any healing to happen if I am not willing to let it happen? How can I expect to grow a better relationship with my mom if I'm holding onto all of these things from the past? God commands me to honor my father and mother and to be honest, I haven't done the best job of that. God has allowed me to let go of the large amount of hurt that I have held onto for years and I have found nothing but peace and joy. Yes, it's painful to sit there and think about all the hurt. Yes, it's painful to know that in order to really forgive my mom and for our relationship to heal in ways I cannot even imagine I am going to have to talk to her. But, the beauty that has already come out of me loving on her as best as I can and being gracious with her is infinitely more than I could have ever hoped for. I'm going home for Christmas break tomorrow and I am more than ready to love on my parents and love on them to the best of my abilities. My hope and prayer is that they notice something different about me when I'm home; furthermore, that they might begin to ask questions and begin to understand why I do what I do. I pray that Jesus will show up in the Aultman household during this holiday season. The beautiful thing about Jesus is that He shows up in every situation we are ever placed in, even when we're afraid He might not be present.
These past couple months, God has shown up so much in my life. I find that I am quick to doubt that God is going to show up in situations. It's easy for me to say "God, what are you doing? Why isn't this happening?" Fill in the blank for "this" because it could be anything. I start to trust my own judgment instead of trusting that God will be there and He will provide. Trusting God is a daily thing for me. Going into college, I never expected to be graduating an entire year early, to be a psychology major, to want to go into counseling/therapy, or that I wouldn't know what my future looks like. I am a planner. I like to know when something is happening in my life and how exactly it will play out. I like to have a multi-year plan for my life on the ready. I have to continually be reminded to trust that Jesus has my entire life planned and he's taking me on a great adventure and to be patient with it because He will reveal things when He sees fit. For a planner, that's hard for me. To trust that something so big, like my future, will be taken care of and taken care of well. I like to think of God as an adventurous God as He has taken me on so many crazy and unexpected, yet breathtakingly awesome, adventures.
As God continues to show up in the little areas of my life, like within my day to day tasks, or in the big areas, like my broken relationship with my mother, I pray for continued trust in Jesus. I pray that I will allow God to use me in ways that will take me on adventures I cannot begin to fathom. I pray that I respond to what The Lord calls me to with ease and with excitement.
Today Kenz asked me if I was excited for break and I think for the first time I was able to genuinely answer "Yes! I'm excited because I'm excited to see my parents." This will be the second time I will be home since the beginning of August and the second time I've seen my dad and brother since August. Thanksgiving was great, but I saw them for like 5 hours and I was so sick that I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. I am actually craving quality time with my parents, and lots of it. I want to sit and watch endless hours of NCIS with my dad. I want to go shopping with my mom, as much as I hate shopping. I want to drink coffee and hot apple cider and simply be with my family. Those of you that know me well, know that it is very unlike me to say those things and it's only because of Jesus that I can say them.
God has worked so much on my heart and my relationship between me and my parents, specifically my mom and I. It's been such a blessing to see the beginning of healing in our relationship. I'm unaware if she even knows how much she has hurt me over the years, but my heart has began to soften a lot towards her and that has been a beautiful, and at times painful, process to be a part of. I find peace in our conversations and they are conversations that are full of love. They are conversations that are meaningful and hopeful for our relationship. They bring me such joy. God has been changing my heart from a position of bitterness and one of disdain to one of complete love and grace towards them. How can I expect any healing to happen if I am not willing to let it happen? How can I expect to grow a better relationship with my mom if I'm holding onto all of these things from the past? God commands me to honor my father and mother and to be honest, I haven't done the best job of that. God has allowed me to let go of the large amount of hurt that I have held onto for years and I have found nothing but peace and joy. Yes, it's painful to sit there and think about all the hurt. Yes, it's painful to know that in order to really forgive my mom and for our relationship to heal in ways I cannot even imagine I am going to have to talk to her. But, the beauty that has already come out of me loving on her as best as I can and being gracious with her is infinitely more than I could have ever hoped for. I'm going home for Christmas break tomorrow and I am more than ready to love on my parents and love on them to the best of my abilities. My hope and prayer is that they notice something different about me when I'm home; furthermore, that they might begin to ask questions and begin to understand why I do what I do. I pray that Jesus will show up in the Aultman household during this holiday season. The beautiful thing about Jesus is that He shows up in every situation we are ever placed in, even when we're afraid He might not be present.
These past couple months, God has shown up so much in my life. I find that I am quick to doubt that God is going to show up in situations. It's easy for me to say "God, what are you doing? Why isn't this happening?" Fill in the blank for "this" because it could be anything. I start to trust my own judgment instead of trusting that God will be there and He will provide. Trusting God is a daily thing for me. Going into college, I never expected to be graduating an entire year early, to be a psychology major, to want to go into counseling/therapy, or that I wouldn't know what my future looks like. I am a planner. I like to know when something is happening in my life and how exactly it will play out. I like to have a multi-year plan for my life on the ready. I have to continually be reminded to trust that Jesus has my entire life planned and he's taking me on a great adventure and to be patient with it because He will reveal things when He sees fit. For a planner, that's hard for me. To trust that something so big, like my future, will be taken care of and taken care of well. I like to think of God as an adventurous God as He has taken me on so many crazy and unexpected, yet breathtakingly awesome, adventures.
As God continues to show up in the little areas of my life, like within my day to day tasks, or in the big areas, like my broken relationship with my mother, I pray for continued trust in Jesus. I pray that I will allow God to use me in ways that will take me on adventures I cannot begin to fathom. I pray that I respond to what The Lord calls me to with ease and with excitement.
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