Regret.

When I started this blog, it was to write about the things that Jesus is teaching me. In order to share what Jesus is teaching me that means I have to be real and raw, even when I might not want to be. This is one of those times.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves.." The way that He loves. Powerful line in a powerful song. Every time I hear this song I am reminded of how little I actually grasp of God's love for me. His love is astounding. Magnificent. Beautiful. Breathtaking. So many adjectives could be used to describe the reason that no one should hold on to regrets. His love. And the way that He loves us. Mind you, I listen to a lot of music and constantly have a song stuck in my head but this one line never left over the last couple of weeks.

I had a really good conversation with a good friend recently about our lives, Jesus, the usual stuff we tend to talk about. The conversation then turned deep when the word "regret" started to be thrown around. We started to talk about the things that we regret in our lives. My friend shared with me that there are some things in his or her life that he or she cannot simply leave at the foot of the cross, letting go completely and walk away knowing that he or she is forgiven. I began to share where I struggled with that. I also struggle with not being able to leave a few things at the foot of the cross and walking away from them.

Now to go on sort of a tangent, that relates, I promise...I was challenged to watch Andy Stanley's "The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating" message series after I had spent time chatting with a friend about my life and guy problems and where I've been. She really encouraged me to watch the series saying that it would be good for me. I didn't take her seriously at first and put off watching the series for a couple of weeks constantly making up excuses about how I didn't have time or was too tired. However, as soon as I started the first message in the series I knew that she was right. I knew that Jesus was going to use these words for good in my life. The third message in the series stuck out to me a lot, and to be honest I haven't watched the last one yet. In this, Andy Stanley said the words "When you sin sexually, you hurt yourself in the deepest way imaginable." I'm almost certain that I have never fully realized the extent of how badly I was hurt, how much my heart ached, or how I really haven't forgiven myself for the things that I've done. (I really encourage you to listen to this series because it is really encouraging and freeing, in my opinion. Also, eye-opening). Towards the end of the message Andy Stanley talked about this one line in this one song, the same one I quoted above. He was saying that when you find yourself tempted to wallow in those regrets, tempted to hold on to these things you've done simply say no because you don't have time for that. You don't have time to do any of those things because of the way that HE LOVES YOU. Because of Jesus' love for you, you don't have to hold tightly to these things. I feel like Jesus slapped me in the face a lot, in painful, but good, ways.

I watched that series the day before I had that conversation with my friend. A single day. God knew what He was doing when He orchestrated my conversation and when I watched that particular message that day. He knew that both of these things would involve the topic of regret. Andy Stanley, in various times, challenges people to take a year off of dating. To take a year to be intentionally single to work on your heart and who you are in and with Jesus. And he gives more reasons and you can listen to his messages to hear them. In the spirit of being real, I thought that was silly the first few times I heard him talk about it. Until I watched this series and I had a feeling that I needed to take the challenge. That night I began to cry out to God unsure of what He wanted but all I knew was I wanted so badly to leave these things at the cross and walk away knowing I'm forgiven. As I began to physically cry, I knew God was telling me to take it. Take a year to work on my heart. To let Him into these areas I think I let Him in but I never really did. To heal. To forgive myself. To know I'm forgiven. To forgive the person who hurt me. And in this year I'm going into friendships with guys not asking the "What if...?" question, or "Could it happen??" question. That these friendships are all purely friendships for a year.

Sorry this one was extra lengthy, but Jesus did a lot in the last week and I didn't know how to shorten it any, so I didn't. I know that I didn't exactly go into the details of what happened in my life, but if you know me, feel free to ask me about it. I'll gladly talk to you. In the meantime, be praying for me over this next year. God has already opened up a couple really awesome doors and I'm excited to see how this year of intentional singleness shapes, molds, and grows me as a woman seeking after Jesus. Because I simply don't have time to maintain these regrets because of how He loves me.

June 10th, 2014 will be a year. Ask me how it was come then.