2 months in.

Update on my heart in this year of intentional singleness:
Lately I've had trouble trusting Jesus. Trusting that His will is perfect and planned out. That this being intentionally single for a year was the right choice. I've struggled with the alignment of my heart. That my heart may just be too broken for this, that I'm too weak for this.

Boy, was I wrong! I've been proven wrong over and over again. God sure does show up in ways that I would never expect.

I got to have some absolutely amazing conversations with girls at camp where I had the honor of sharing my heart and some of the things I had been through to help encourage them. Scared that these things only would leave me wounded and a broken girl, God has been weaving my story into so much good right in front of my face.

I read a passage in Proverbs the other day that really spoke to me and just encouraged me with the truth, 2:12-15. It basically talks about wisdom saving you from those whose ways are wrong, who try and bring you down...etc. I read this on a night when I needed it most. It encouraged me to continue to dig deeper into the Word to find the true wisdom that I need to be of aid in every situation and I pray that I will continue to do so.

However, as I struggle with the alignment of my heart in this year of singleness, I find myself wanting someone to pursue me. At times, I find myself wondering if I'm saying or doing the right things. That's NOT what I want this year to be about. I DO however want it to be about not pursuing or wanting to be pursued by a guy. I want it to be about me pursuing Jesus with everything I have, running after Him with all that I got because I want to grow exponentially with him. On the other hand, the person who caused all of this heartache in the first place is hard to let go of for no other reason than he's just him. I've recently found myself responding to his attempts at talking to me and later hating myself for it. I'm starting to realize just how much power he has over me and that's not okay.

 So I begin to feel weak and like I will never be able to heal. That's the enemy. He's telling me all of these lies and it's becoming harder to ignore them. He's throwing all of these old temptations back into my life multiple times a day and it's getting harder to resist them and I'm not going to lie, I've definitely given in more than once. It's easy to forget that the Great I Am forgave me for my decisions when I feel so much regret and shame in them but He lived a life I could never live, died a death I deserved-not Him-and rose to life because that's how He forgives. So I know God is going to continue to do great things in my life in these next 10 months because nobody knows, not even myself, the extent of my broken heart but Love does. (Props to Brandon Heath for a fantastic song, Love Does).

So I pray for continual strength and peace. I pray that I will be able to be still and know that He is God. For restoration and redemption of my heart. For Jesus to provide me with the ability to not take part in these things so my heart can heal. I ask that you would pray alongside me as I continue to make this journey in the redemption of my heart, in the pursuit of healing my heart, and in the desire to feel not so broken anymore.