Seasons of life come and go. Some long, some short, and some that make you feel like you have no idea how to get out of it. That was me for the last couple months. I felt stuck in what seemed like a never ending season of life and I was at a loss as to how to free myself.
I admit, I have been unfocused on what truly matters. Jesus. The last couple of months have left me in a barren desert. Feeling quite dry and even empty. Not as though my outpouring was coming from any sort of overflow as is talked about in The Bible but that I had been run dry. Part of me believes that this stems from my season of feeling worn out last semester.
In the spirit of honesty, I'm wrestling on a question with God. The question is this: Do I really believe that You do all things well? To help you understand here's the backstory. I was listening to Tenth Avenue North perform an acoustic set live in early January at this small venue in Jax. (They're one of my favorites so obviously I was only like 3 ft away from them aka the very front). The lead singer, Mike Donehey, says they're going to play "You do All Things Well" and begins to tell the story behind it. I'll save you the extra details but basically his roommate was on the verge of death in the ICU unlikely to make it through that night. So there they are in the hospital praying and singing out to The Lord and Mike starts talking to God and saying something along the lines of God, you perform miracles all the time. I believe that You can heal my friend miraculously. But what if You don't heal him the way that I want You to? What if You healing him is taking him home? Give me faith to believe that even if You aren't doing something I want You to do that You are doing all things well. (And bam this song was basically written). But I, having lost a friend less than a year ago, am an emotional wreck in the front row. I may have cried through Melissa's death, I may have said I'm seeking comfort in Jesus, (which I was at times), and I may have told you I was doing okay. The reality is I have held onto a lot of pain in my life simply because I know the instant I let go and start to talk to God about what is going on in my heart I might break. The instant I say "God, I cannot do this on my own" I begin to process through and deal with the issues I have suppressed. A good friend pointed out that maybe the reason I have been slow to seek out Jesus lately is because I know the moment I do I have to start that hard process. I believe she was right.
The question remains. Do I believe that God does all things well? Do I believe that in the midst of my dad's alcoholism, God is still doing all things well? Do I believe that in the midst of a time of chaos and pain on my mom's side of the family that He is still doing all things well? Do I believe that in the midst of Melissa dying that God was doing all things well?
My answer was no. My answer was no because I was hurt, angry, confused, sad...you name it I probably felt it in the last year. I know in my head that yes, God does all things well; however, my heart struggled to have the faith to say that I believe God does all things well. I'm processing through that question right now and I've come to realize that it is okay to have these questions. It's okay to wrestle through things with God. God already knows my heart and He still loves me the same. He knows that I've struggled finding the good in these life happenings and wants me to process and face these struggles with Him.
All that said, I have embarked on that hard process. I have begun to call out to God in my fear of letting things go. I have begun to find relief and energy lost a long time ago. I am thankful for my community who have loved me so well despite maybe not loving them back as well as I should have been. My heart has found healing in this chaos because "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).
And I'll leave you with words from and to the Tenth Avenue North song, "You Do All Things Well"
"You break me to bind me.
You hurt me, Lord, to heal me.
You cut me to touch me.
You died to revive me
You do all things
You do all things
You do all things well"
Do you believe that God does all things well?
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