Friday, April 12, 2013

Worth.

Worth.

What a powerful word. A word with meaning. A word that can change a person. A word I've been struggling with.

We find our worth in lots of different things: Our success. Our academics. Boys. Girls. Friends. Family. Careers. Wealth. Fitting in. Love.

If we can just achieve some of these things and achieve them well then we'll be okay. We tend to think that these are the things that matter and determine our worth in this world. For me, I always wanted to fit in. I wanted to be well-liked. I wanted people to know that I existed and be my friend.  That was one of my heart's deepest desires and I'm pretty sure if all went as I hoped then I would have been over the moon excited. But that's not exactly how my story went. I was incredibly shy and I wasn't well-liked. In fact, I was made fun of a lot when I entered public school, I was homeschooled through 5th grade, and it continued into jr.high. People were mean and rude and I thought life sucked. I used the ever so common "I'm fine" way too often. I was finding my worth in what people thought of me and I didn't necessarily have someone at home to help "fix" me. My mother shows love in seemingly unloving ways and her words hurt. Comments about my weight. Comments about what I wore. Comments about what I did. You name it, she had a judgement about it. I was continually finding my worth in people's opinions of me and that's how I defined who I was in life. I opened a box full of insecurities and honestly, I haven't closed it yet.

As I got older I found worth in not just other people's opinions but I especially cared what guys thought. To this day I've never dated anyone and have never been kissed but know that doesn't make me innocent. I have been more emotionally and physically involved with someone than I ever should have been. He gave attention and I was quick to take it. And when I no longer got the same attention I felt worthless. I thought I wasn't good enough. Maybe those bullies were right, maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed all these feelings aside and there came "I'm fine" again.

My mom puts me on an emotional roller coaster pretty consistently. One day she's mad and upset over the littlest thing and the next she thinks I'm fantastic. Most recently, however, she sent an email and it was all about how disappointed she was in me. Talk about a huge blow to my self-esteem. To what I thought about my worth. I've never felt good enough or like I'll ever live up to what she wants me to be, never getting her ultimate approval.

Worth.

I've been struggling with that word a lot lately. What it means to me. Where I stand in it and where I place my worth. A powerful word. After I got that email a good friend reminded me of an even more powerful truth. That I have a Father in Heaven who sees me as beloved and worth dying for. Get that? Worth dying for. Not worthless. But worth more. More than I'll ever know. Worth enough for Jesus to die for me. Worth enough that He would have died had it been to save solely me. Worth enough to love me unconditionally, faults and all.

Yes, the things our parents say have weight to them. They can build us up or cut deep to our core. Yes, there are guys out there that see girls as objects and use them. Yes, all these things exist that we tend to put our worth in. And not so much in where it truly matters. In Christ. See, I have a Father that will always love, always forgive, always be there, and always help. To not find my worth in Him would be silly. God has been reminding me a lot lately that I'm not finding my worth in Him, but in others. And He is all that matters so despite how much others have hurt me I can find peace, comfort and rest in Him and His unconditional, unending love for me.

That in Him, not only am I worth MORE. I am worth EVERYTHING. 

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