The theme of my life has been busy. I've let myself fall into the trap of always doing something. I've believed into the lie of society that being constantly busy is good, that it makes you more of a competitive person, and that's the way to earn success, right? At least, that's what society tells me. I've been so busy I'm often exhausted. I am learning though. Granted, it's a slow process but I am learning. I'm learning where to spend my time and how to spend it in the wisest way possible. Learning not to overextend myself with school, friends, activities, YL girls...the list goes on. But by overextending myself I'm not carving out the time I need to for Jesus and who else is gonna give me the wisdom to do this other than Jesus? I'm not allowing myself to have God at the root of my heart and until I do I will never figure this out. Because when God is at the root, He'll order the rest of the things I love to where they need to be in my life. I'm learning how to say no to people and things, even the good things, so that I can begin to feel less exhausted and not stretched so thin to where I'm no good to anyone around me.
My church, Greenhouse Church, here in Gainesville has been doing a series on Wisdom through Proverbs this semester and I've loved it! The last couple weeks have been about sex and sexual immorality as a whole. So part of what drove me into this year of intentional singleness had been what the last two sermons have been on. The week before, however, was on guarding your heart and what that actually looks like. If you recall, I mentioned that I couldn't seem to lay these regrets and sins down at the foot of the cross and walk away. That I can't seem to forgive myself. And Mike Patz said a few weeks ago, "the reason you can't forgive yourself is because you've let something else set up shop in your heart and set standards that God does not have for you." What words of truth. I've allowed feelings of guilt and shame and "rules" take place and tell me that I should not forgive myself. Guarding my heart isn't about keeping the wrong guys out or keeping the wrong things out, but keeping the right thing in and that's God and God alone.
For so long I dealt with the branches of my sins, never the root of what caused it. I went trying to fix the point, not the path I was on. I quit the action, but never dealt with the cause. So you know, I gave small parts of me away in high school and expected not to feel broken and hurt. I expected it to fulfill my need, my loneliness, and my want for attention from a guy. I believed it when he said he wanted to go out with me, when he said he liked me. But in return I got none of that and then some things I did not expect nor did I want. I got the feeling of shame and regret. The guilt. The brokenness. I felt used and dirty. Too ashamed to tell my best friend, let alone bring it before The Lord.
Now I'm going to be really honest and real here and this is definitely the hardest part for me. And this is the stuff I typically leave out of my life story when I share it because of the shame I feel, but my past is my past and it happened. It makes up who I am today and God and there's healing and power in the words of my testimony. BUT, it's hard to admit I've screwed up and that this is my past. Yes, I've never actually dated anyone, yes I've never been kissed, yes I've never had sex. But yes, a guy has still seen more of me than anyone who's not my husband should see. Yes, I was "that girl". And yes this guy wanted to take all those things from me in the end, but with strength that could only have come from Jesus I had the courage to finally say no.
Lastly, I've been learning about the daily surrendering of my heart to God. I've been walking through hard stuff with a friend of mine and it's been weighing my heart down and weighing me down. My family has been, and is, going through a lot right now and I want to be at home with them but that can't happen because of school. It's really hard to watch your loved ones hurt and worry and you can't do a thing to fix the problems. It's hard to be on this end of things and be asking God, "Why us? Why my family? We've been through so much already in the last few years...why would you throw this at us?" My heart weighs heavy most days and it takes a lot of discipline to say "Here God, You take my heavy heart and You hold it. Because I'm at a loss and I'm weak and weary and I need You." pretty much daily.
My prayer is that God would continue to teach me about surrendering my heavy heart to Him daily. That I would always believe that despite my past, I have a Redeemer. That I would continue to seek healing in The Lord. And that I would reorder my heart and make God the root so that He is my first love and he will order the rest to where they need to be.
The beautiful thing is that I...
Have a fresh start in...
I'm rewired because of...
I can find healing in...
And I'm cleansed in...
The One who made it possible by taking on a tree of death for me, Jesus.
He paid the price for me, He bought me out of love and grace. And not only did He do that by dying on the cross, the sits on the throne in Heaven. He reigns victorious. Battle won. He has Redeemed me from all of the mistakes I've made and the mistakes that I will make. What a beautiful picture of the life Jesus has to offer us. Fully covered and fully redeemed.
I can be fully loved and fully known because I am covered.
No comments:
Post a Comment