"Lord I am listening"

3 months. It's been 3 months since I made the commitment to Jesus and to myself that I was going to be intentionally single for a year. I'm pretty certain time is moving quicker than ever before. I cannot believe it's been three months since I cried out to God and He called me to this year of intentional singleness. 9 months are left and I am so excited for every single one of those months because God grows, shapes, and teaches me more at every point along the way. What a blessing it is to serve a God who does that.

Last month I talked about how all of these old temptations were thrown in my face and how hard it was to avoid them. This month I have good news. Although talking to someone who caused a lot of damage is hard and potentially unhealthy, we had a good conversation about us and our past. I have always been scared to stand up to him with how he really made me feel. For the first time, I was completely honest. I spoke of my feelings of worthlessness, being used, unimportant, and brokenness. Although much didn't come back from his end, I found freedom. No longer did I feel as if he had all of this power over me. That freedom is indescribable. And it's beautiful.

My friend Chris worked for WinShape camps this summer where they taught kids about the love of Christ and a question they asked their kids was "Who sits on the throne on your heart?" and it became a question he asked himself a lot. It's now a question I ask myself.

Emily, who sits on the throne of your heart? Is it Jesus? Is it school? Is it your insecurities? I think the answer has been all of those things at some point in time. Ultimately, it needs to be Jesus. However, it is so hard to not let the busyness of life and the feelings of wanting to be good enough take over. I struggle living under the expectations and standards set for me by a parent and I think because of that seeing God's love as completely unconditional has always been something that is hard for me to grasp. I've been told I don't love well enough, that I don't succeed enough, I don't look enough, I've been told I bring hurt time and time again and as I sit on those words I hurt. My heart breaks. I get frustrated at myself and them. I find it harder to love that person more and more. In turn, I get upset with God. Why? How? All questions I ask as I begin to grow frustrated with Jesus. It's hard for me to not to get upset with God in those situations.
As Chris sat and talked about his experience this summer he told me about a book that Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson, wrote called "One Way Love" (which isn't actually out yet so props to Chris for being awesome) which happened to be ALL about God's unconditional love for us and His Grace. The day that he sent it to me, I was already finished with chapter 3. "Grace has the power to bind generations together" I read those words in this book and was stopped in my tracks. It clicked. If I can swallow my pride and begin to pour out unconditional love more and put less conditions on this relationship, things could change. Even when I don't rise up to the expectations set for me, I don't buy into that burden that starts to sit on my shoulders. I find my worth in Christ and Christ alone.

"The one-way love of God is restorative and reconciling because in the mystery of His cross, God has neutralized the effects of sin, forgiven its offense, blotted out its stain, expiated its guilt, and created a new beginning" (Tchividjian). This one-way love of God that I have a hard time grasping says that I shouldn't hold onto my sins. It says that God always knew I was going to make mistakes and He took care of them for me. It says that because of Christ, I get to have life instead of death. I can take these sins, let go, and let my heart feel redemption and restoration.

Another thing I struggle with is being "okay". "The Gospel, in other words, liberates us to be okay with not being okay" (Tchividjian). I recently felt needy for asking a couple of people on my YL team to pray for me as I was missing my sweet friend that passed away back in April because in my head all I heard was "Emily, you should be okay by now, its July. She died in April. Get over yourself." How ridiculous was I to buy into that lie?! I called my friend Abby and she challenged to walk back inside that house and ask them for prayer and that is what I did, including my feelings of seeming needy. I was encouraged by their words of affirmation in not being needy and them being there for me, always. Just one example of me struggling with being okay with not being okay.
(I'll reflect more on the book later, it's awesome)

This past month has been cause for a lot of growth. It feels like leaps and bounds. I'm grateful for the God that I serve and the way that He loves me. Because Jesus is a Savior, He takes my brokenness and makes it beautiful(All Sons & Daughters, Brokenness Aside) and that is something that's been so evident in this time, this last month especially. I've found freedom in places I've always found myself in chains, grown in my relationship with Christ, realized things I could do to make certain relationships better, and know that it's okay to not be okay.

Prayers: that I can begin to always grasp the unconditional love of God, continual redemption of my heart, broken relationships in my life, and being open to what God has in store for me in these next 9 months.

I'll leave you with a beautiful song by All Sons & Daughters. Let the words resonate with you, they've been heavy on my heart. Spirit Speaks

Love y'all and as always, let me know if you have any comments or questions. Would love to speak with you.

2 months in.

Update on my heart in this year of intentional singleness:
Lately I've had trouble trusting Jesus. Trusting that His will is perfect and planned out. That this being intentionally single for a year was the right choice. I've struggled with the alignment of my heart. That my heart may just be too broken for this, that I'm too weak for this.

Boy, was I wrong! I've been proven wrong over and over again. God sure does show up in ways that I would never expect.

I got to have some absolutely amazing conversations with girls at camp where I had the honor of sharing my heart and some of the things I had been through to help encourage them. Scared that these things only would leave me wounded and a broken girl, God has been weaving my story into so much good right in front of my face.

I read a passage in Proverbs the other day that really spoke to me and just encouraged me with the truth, 2:12-15. It basically talks about wisdom saving you from those whose ways are wrong, who try and bring you down...etc. I read this on a night when I needed it most. It encouraged me to continue to dig deeper into the Word to find the true wisdom that I need to be of aid in every situation and I pray that I will continue to do so.

However, as I struggle with the alignment of my heart in this year of singleness, I find myself wanting someone to pursue me. At times, I find myself wondering if I'm saying or doing the right things. That's NOT what I want this year to be about. I DO however want it to be about not pursuing or wanting to be pursued by a guy. I want it to be about me pursuing Jesus with everything I have, running after Him with all that I got because I want to grow exponentially with him. On the other hand, the person who caused all of this heartache in the first place is hard to let go of for no other reason than he's just him. I've recently found myself responding to his attempts at talking to me and later hating myself for it. I'm starting to realize just how much power he has over me and that's not okay.

 So I begin to feel weak and like I will never be able to heal. That's the enemy. He's telling me all of these lies and it's becoming harder to ignore them. He's throwing all of these old temptations back into my life multiple times a day and it's getting harder to resist them and I'm not going to lie, I've definitely given in more than once. It's easy to forget that the Great I Am forgave me for my decisions when I feel so much regret and shame in them but He lived a life I could never live, died a death I deserved-not Him-and rose to life because that's how He forgives. So I know God is going to continue to do great things in my life in these next 10 months because nobody knows, not even myself, the extent of my broken heart but Love does. (Props to Brandon Heath for a fantastic song, Love Does).

So I pray for continual strength and peace. I pray that I will be able to be still and know that He is God. For restoration and redemption of my heart. For Jesus to provide me with the ability to not take part in these things so my heart can heal. I ask that you would pray alongside me as I continue to make this journey in the redemption of my heart, in the pursuit of healing my heart, and in the desire to feel not so broken anymore.

Contentment.

There's this idea of contentment. And this idea of happiness. And I think it's mainly believed that in order to be content one must be happy. However, I fully believe that these are two separate entities. Happiness comes in seasons. It's very much like a roller coaster. Comparatively, contentment is a way of living. Contentment is not so much up and down as it is a lifestyle. Contentment, to me, means peace. Why are these two things seemingly so correlated but so easily confused?  

I think Jesus calls us to be content. However, I don't think that Jesus doesn't want us to be happy because He loves for us to be happy. He even says in the book of 1 Thessalonians "Be joyful always.." (5:16). I also do not think we're not allowed to be sad, because there is a time for everything.

    "a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace." (Ecclesiastes 3:2-8)

Regardless of all of that, Jesus calls us to be content.

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” (Philippians 4:11-12)

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

I'm learning to be content right now. More so, I'm learning to apply that to my life. I'm learning what it means to be content where my feet are walking in that moment. I have yet to figure it out, and I probably will never do that, but I am praying for contentment in my life; whether it be a victory or a loss.

I'm praying that Jesus will continue to teach me to be content in my walk and with whatever He is doing in my life.

Regret.

When I started this blog, it was to write about the things that Jesus is teaching me. In order to share what Jesus is teaching me that means I have to be real and raw, even when I might not want to be. This is one of those times.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves.." The way that He loves. Powerful line in a powerful song. Every time I hear this song I am reminded of how little I actually grasp of God's love for me. His love is astounding. Magnificent. Beautiful. Breathtaking. So many adjectives could be used to describe the reason that no one should hold on to regrets. His love. And the way that He loves us. Mind you, I listen to a lot of music and constantly have a song stuck in my head but this one line never left over the last couple of weeks.

I had a really good conversation with a good friend recently about our lives, Jesus, the usual stuff we tend to talk about. The conversation then turned deep when the word "regret" started to be thrown around. We started to talk about the things that we regret in our lives. My friend shared with me that there are some things in his or her life that he or she cannot simply leave at the foot of the cross, letting go completely and walk away knowing that he or she is forgiven. I began to share where I struggled with that. I also struggle with not being able to leave a few things at the foot of the cross and walking away from them.

Now to go on sort of a tangent, that relates, I promise...I was challenged to watch Andy Stanley's "The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating" message series after I had spent time chatting with a friend about my life and guy problems and where I've been. She really encouraged me to watch the series saying that it would be good for me. I didn't take her seriously at first and put off watching the series for a couple of weeks constantly making up excuses about how I didn't have time or was too tired. However, as soon as I started the first message in the series I knew that she was right. I knew that Jesus was going to use these words for good in my life. The third message in the series stuck out to me a lot, and to be honest I haven't watched the last one yet. In this, Andy Stanley said the words "When you sin sexually, you hurt yourself in the deepest way imaginable." I'm almost certain that I have never fully realized the extent of how badly I was hurt, how much my heart ached, or how I really haven't forgiven myself for the things that I've done. (I really encourage you to listen to this series because it is really encouraging and freeing, in my opinion. Also, eye-opening). Towards the end of the message Andy Stanley talked about this one line in this one song, the same one I quoted above. He was saying that when you find yourself tempted to wallow in those regrets, tempted to hold on to these things you've done simply say no because you don't have time for that. You don't have time to do any of those things because of the way that HE LOVES YOU. Because of Jesus' love for you, you don't have to hold tightly to these things. I feel like Jesus slapped me in the face a lot, in painful, but good, ways.

I watched that series the day before I had that conversation with my friend. A single day. God knew what He was doing when He orchestrated my conversation and when I watched that particular message that day. He knew that both of these things would involve the topic of regret. Andy Stanley, in various times, challenges people to take a year off of dating. To take a year to be intentionally single to work on your heart and who you are in and with Jesus. And he gives more reasons and you can listen to his messages to hear them. In the spirit of being real, I thought that was silly the first few times I heard him talk about it. Until I watched this series and I had a feeling that I needed to take the challenge. That night I began to cry out to God unsure of what He wanted but all I knew was I wanted so badly to leave these things at the cross and walk away knowing I'm forgiven. As I began to physically cry, I knew God was telling me to take it. Take a year to work on my heart. To let Him into these areas I think I let Him in but I never really did. To heal. To forgive myself. To know I'm forgiven. To forgive the person who hurt me. And in this year I'm going into friendships with guys not asking the "What if...?" question, or "Could it happen??" question. That these friendships are all purely friendships for a year.

Sorry this one was extra lengthy, but Jesus did a lot in the last week and I didn't know how to shorten it any, so I didn't. I know that I didn't exactly go into the details of what happened in my life, but if you know me, feel free to ask me about it. I'll gladly talk to you. In the meantime, be praying for me over this next year. God has already opened up a couple really awesome doors and I'm excited to see how this year of intentional singleness shapes, molds, and grows me as a woman seeking after Jesus. Because I simply don't have time to maintain these regrets because of how He loves me.

June 10th, 2014 will be a year. Ask me how it was come then.

Grieving.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything but God has been teaching me a lot about so many things lately. Last time I talked about my sweet friend Melissa and the strength she gave me and the lessons she's taught me.

Since then, Melissa went home to be with Jesus. On April 23, 2013 Melissa took her last breath and I found after that her last few breaths were easy. How sweet. I am so grateful that her last breath was easy.  However, my heart was so broken. My heart hurt tremendously because I had just lost an amazingly sweet friend. I've never had a real experience with death before and so I was at a total loss of what to do and death is something that is handled differently depending on who you are. For me, I spent two weeks keeping myself really busy and not allowing myself to grieve. I did whatever I needed to do to keep myself busy and to not let myself sit with my thoughts. That can be a seemingly unhealthy way to go about this. See, in those two weeks I was keeping myself from grieving the beautiful life of someone who showed me what walking with Jesus really looked like and in those two weeks I'm certain that I didn't seek after Jesus.

God showed up in those two weeks through so many people in my life, regardless that I wasn't trying to seek Jesus. My YL team has been an incredible wall to lean on during this time of heartache. I think in my time of hurt and lack of wanting to seek Jesus they showed me Jesus in tangible ways. My friend Liz and her roommates took me in, literally, and let me stay at their house to be around people that love me and care for me during all of this.

Learning how to deal with the loss of a friend is never easy, but after this last month without her I have learned a lot about loving others well and focusing on Jesus because that's what matters. It took a couple of weeks to get there but at one point Jesus really got to my broken heart and I opened the eyes of my heart to let Jesus really comfort me.

In this God showed me that He is truly the only one that can hold my heart, broken or whole. In this God showed me that I was still here at UF for a reason. God knew exactly what He was doing when I got placed on GHS because I needed that family in this. I'm learning to really love people and love people well, although I fail at it often, I'm praying for the Lord to help me in that.

Psalms 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse brought me a lot of comfort this last month. I'm thankful for the Lord staying close to my broken heart even when I didn't see it.

Melissa, you are a sweet young woman who set the world on fire with your love for Christ and for others. You taught me so much about life and love and Jesus. Miss your sweet smile everyday and I know I have a precious angel watching over me. I'm thankful for all you allowed the Lord to do through you to me and so many others. Love you and miss you every day.

Dependence.

I have this incredible friend whose name is Melissa. She's an inspiration to many. She's one of my biggest role models. She's the bravest person I've ever met. The strongest. Most courageous. Loving. Kind. Sweet. Hilarious. Pretty. Person. Ever. And I love her so stinkin' much. Melissa was born with Cystic Fibrosis, which effects your lungs, and has had transplants and is also in end-stage kidney failure. She's in and out of the hospital frequently and life has had a lot of bumps in the road for her. But our God provides and is faithful and He has brought her this far already. Last summer, 2012, she was at death's door but Jesus closed that one and opened one up for some healing and relief. As of right now, I'm praying she'll make it through the night.

It's hard to stay dependent on God in this situation. It's hard to trust that things will be okay, no matter the circumstances. It's hard to know these things.

But it's also easy to know that God has Melissa wrapped up in His arms. It's easy to know that I can find comfort in Jesus. It's easy to know that if God calls her home, she'll be really excited to meet Him. And if not, she's totally excited to serve Him still here on earth.

With all that being said, God has blessed me with an incredible community here that I can lean on and rely on. Tonight I crawled on my friend's couch while two of them rubbed my back and head and I laid on one of their laps and cried. Simply cried.

God taught me a lot last summer when Melissa almost died. He taught me a lot about finding rest in Him and depending on Him. I'm relearning this lesson right now. Selfishly, I want her here for as long as possible. But selflessly, I want her to be in no more pain.

All that being said, I'm learning again what it seriously means to be dependent on God through the illness of my friend. I'm learning that walking by faith and not sight is most important. I'm learning that if I don't rely on God then I won't get through anything even near to the severity of losing a friend. That I really need to speak words of love and encouragement into other people's lives. To be intentional with my relationships with people and to listen and love them so much more than I do. I'm learning to live a life with lots more love and lots more faith and dependence on the One who matters.

Frustrations.

I've been struggling with my frustrations a lot lately. I even said last night that emotionally, I am done. I can't do this anymore. Being emotionally exhausted makes every other part of me exhausted and that's been me for the last few days. I haven't been able to even come close to getting a grip on it.

I have been so caught up in what was going on in my life that at times I forget to turn to Jesus about them. I forget that I can find comfort in Him and in His love.

It's frustrating when someone close to you continually puts you down. Continually puts your faith down. Continually puts something you love doing down. It's frustrating that they don't get it. It's frustrating that they don't see why you do what you do or believe what you believe. I start to try to take comfort in the natural emotional response of anger. I try to find rest in the fact that being angry is okay. The reality is that those feelings never fully satisfy me. They wear me out and wear me down. I become easily worn.

Jesus says that because He was persecuted, we will be persecuted also. At times, that is frustrating. I don't want loves ones criticizing my faith and beliefs or what I do for God. Sometimes I wish God just waved a magic wand and my life would be great and hurt free. But what kind of life is that? How will I ever learn or grow? Some of my biggest growths have come from hurt and pain.

The Bible also says in Isaiah 26:3 that "You will keep in perfect peace those who minds are steadfast, because they trust you." We can be given this peace, not any peace but God's peace, when we keep our minds set on Him. How awesome is that?! We can remain at peace when we focus on God. Not an easy thing to do because it's easy to throw our anger on Him when something goes wrong. That's one solution. The better solution is to seek Him even more. Wrap yourself up in His love. Know that He will guide you through whatever it may be. Know that He is never letting to of you. And you can find true rest and comfort in Him. His peace. His love.

I choose Jesus. I choose to find rest in Him. I choose to know His love for me is very real and never failing. Although I know all of those things, not letting my angry flesh take hold is still something I struggle with daily. And only Jesus can help me beat it.