I have an adventurous heart.

Over this Christmas break, I drove to the surrounding areas of Orlando to spend some time with my old roommate from the summer, Alyssa, and I've gotten to hang out with some of my Gainesville friends and it's been a sweet time so far. Right now, she's at work and I'm at Starbucks sipping on my Peppermint Mocha and spending some time with myself, reading and writing and changing around my class schedule "for the last time" I tell myself.

Yesterday, Alyssa, Cory, and I went on an adventure. There's this trail that you can get on behind her house and we walked to the creek and begun to explore. We each had a turn leading the exploration we were embarking on. Alyssa called us "triplets" as we walked and talked with one another. We walked in the water, alongside the water, around the water. We walked through bushes and this area that Cory said looked like fingers coming out of the ground, but really they were tree roots poking way out of the ground. I think I got bit by something while on our adventure and I got some scratches from walking through prickly brush. There was this mud-like terrain that seemed to act like quick sand because once you stepped onto it your feet begin to sink quickly. We ventured out of the woods and came across a road that signaled we were much farther away from where we started than we thought. After finding our way back to the bridge we set up our hammocks underneath it and simply "hung" out. We were dirty and sweaty but that didn't matter one bit because we were with each other and living life alongside one another on this adventure.

More and more, I have been learning how much of an adventurous heart I really do have. I love going on adventures. I love to explore. My heart's desire is to travel to the ends of the earth and then some. I don't know that I can explain why my heart has such a desire, but it's one of my biggest passions. My life has been full of exciting adventures: several camps, work crew at Trail West, Skydiving, college is an adventure in itself, leading Young Life, taking kids to camp, Honduras, Haiti...all full of joy and excitement. I've recently learned that even if something is painful or hard, that doesn't make it any less of an adventure. Venturing through my family, hard friendships, loss of a dearly loved friend, fighting through my personal regrets and heartache. Those are also adventures; however, they are not filled with excitement but rather sadness and often times, tears. And that's okay. (tears being okay is also something else I have learned). Those adventures aren't necessarily fun for me, but they are certainly a learning experience. I read a blog by Donald Miller this morning entitled "The Greatest Impact You Have May Come Out Of Your Pain" and it reminded me of God's promise that He turns our pain into something beautiful. In this post, Donald Miller wrote "When we stay bitter, we don't grow, and we don't help the people around us." Reread that quote. Think about it. Pray on it. Believe it. I believe it. I believe that if I were to have stayed bitter towards my dad I wouldn't have been able to speak truth and wisdom into someone else's life. I could go on and on with examples, but I'll save you from all that. It goes to show that even the hard and painful adventures are worth it more than I could ever imagine.

I pray that I will willingly and excitedly go wherever and whatever Jesus has called me to in this life. I pray that He never ceases to surprise me, one adventure after another, be it exciting or hard. Because I see God as an adventurous God. I have no clue as to what adventures The Lord is going to be taking me on in life or what my next step after college looks like. However, I do know that The Lord is good and loves me and knows the desires of my heart. My heart is to serve and love others and to do that well, no matter what capacity that may be in. My heart loves Haiti, my heart loves YL and my girls, my heart loves my community, my heart loves to travel and be in new places. Like I said, I may not know much, but I do know that God has carved out a beautiful plan for my life and weaved these desires into my soul. My Redeemed Soul.

Jesus always shows up.

I'm sitting in the architecture building on campus with one of my favorite people just hanging out. These are some of my favorite moments. Moments like this when I'm allowed to sit and just be with my favorites. I think one of my favorite parts of hanging with Kenz is how real we are with one another. She can ask the hard questions and the easy questions and I get to process my life with her. It's a sweet picture of how life is supposed to be walked alongside a community. Such a blessing to have people in my life that I get to do life with who consistently pour into me so much and so well.

Today Kenz asked me if I was excited for break and I think for the first time I was able to genuinely answer "Yes! I'm excited because I'm excited to see my parents." This will be the second time I will be home since the beginning of August and the second time I've seen my dad and brother since August. Thanksgiving was great, but I saw them for like 5 hours and I was so sick that I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch. I am actually craving quality time with my parents, and lots of it. I want to sit and watch endless hours of NCIS with my dad. I want to go shopping with my mom, as much as I hate shopping. I want to drink coffee and hot apple cider and simply be with my family. Those of you that know me well, know that it is very unlike me to say those things and it's only because of Jesus that I can say them.

God has worked so much on my heart and my relationship between me and my parents, specifically my mom and I. It's been such a blessing to see the beginning of healing in our relationship. I'm unaware if she even knows how much she has hurt me over the years, but my heart has began to soften a lot towards her and that has been a beautiful, and at times painful, process to be a part of. I find peace in our conversations and they are conversations that are full of love. They are conversations that are meaningful and hopeful for our relationship. They bring me such joy. God has been changing my heart from a position of bitterness and one of disdain to one of complete love and grace towards them. How can I expect any healing to happen if I am not willing to let it happen? How can I expect to grow a better relationship with my mom if I'm holding onto all of these things from the past? God commands me to honor my father and mother and to be honest, I haven't done the best job of that. God has allowed me to let go of the large amount of hurt that I have held onto for years and I have found nothing but peace and joy. Yes, it's painful to sit there and think about all the hurt. Yes, it's painful to know that in order to really forgive my mom and for our relationship to heal in ways I cannot even imagine I am going to have to talk to her. But, the beauty that has already come out of me loving on her as best as I can and being gracious with her is infinitely more than I could have ever hoped for. I'm going home for Christmas break tomorrow and I am more than ready to love on my parents and love on them to the best of my abilities. My hope and prayer is that they notice something different about me when I'm home; furthermore, that they might begin to ask questions and begin to understand why I do what I do. I pray that Jesus will show up in the Aultman household during this holiday season. The beautiful thing about Jesus is that He shows up in every situation we are ever placed in, even when we're afraid He might not be present.

These past couple months, God has shown up so much in my life. I find that I am quick to doubt that God is going to show up in situations. It's easy for me to say "God, what are you doing? Why isn't this happening?" Fill in the blank for "this" because it could be anything. I start to trust my own judgment instead of trusting that God will be there and He will provide. Trusting God is a daily thing for me. Going into college, I never expected to be graduating an entire year early, to be a psychology major, to want to go into counseling/therapy, or that I wouldn't know what my future looks like. I am a planner. I like to know when something is happening in my life and how exactly it will play out. I like to have a multi-year plan for my life on the ready. I have to continually be reminded to trust that Jesus has my entire life planned and he's taking me on a great adventure and to be patient with it because He will reveal things when He sees fit. For a planner, that's hard for me. To trust that something so big, like my future, will be taken care of and taken care of well. I like to think of God as an adventurous God as He has taken me on so many crazy and unexpected, yet breathtakingly awesome, adventures.

As God continues to show up in the little areas of my life, like within my day to day tasks, or in the big areas, like my broken relationship with my mother, I pray for continued trust in Jesus. I pray that I will allow God to use me in ways that will take me on adventures I cannot begin to fathom. I pray that I respond to what The Lord calls me to with ease and with excitement.

God can call me out of something just like He calls me into it.

Here's exactly why I felt God called me into this time of intentional singleness: I felt that it was time for me to quit avoiding the problems of my past I pretended didn't happen. I knew that I knew I was forgiven, but didn't necessarily believe it in my heart. I knew that that guy held power over me still. I knew that I felt chained up and my heart needed healing.

So I dove in. 

Now almost five months down the road I can say a lot more than I could have when I started. I can say that I have finally dealt with my problems in the past. I can say that not only do I know I'm forgiven, but I believe it. I can also say that he has absolutely zero power over me and I've found freedom. And that my heart has been healed and realigned. 

I honestly believe that because I avoided my past my heart was misaligned. I fully believe that not dealing with my past and not seeking out healing for my heart hindered my relationship with Christ. In these past five months I have seen such a turn in the position of my heart, and one that is more towards Christ, because of the healing I've received. It's been a crazy awesome journey thus far! I went into this year with an intentional purpose I felt God had given me. I was willing to commit to a year and obey God in this calling for my life at the time. I am at a point now where I know in my heart that I have done what God called me to do in this year. The problem? I'm on month 5, not month 12. I've had to spend a lot of time in prayer these past couple weeks to try and hear what God was telling me and I've done a lot of examining of my heart in that process.

God can call me out of something just as quickly as He calls me into something. God called me into a period of intentional singleness with such clarity that I knew I was obeying The Lord when making that decision. I set a time of one full year because of the message I heard, right around the time I made this decision, from Andy Stanley about his one year challenge of singleness. I wrote a blog which you can read here about my decision to partake in this and why I chose to do it. I made a promise to God and God is a God who honors promises. However, God is a God who does not run on any time scale that we as humans create. Putting a time limit on God is absurd because He is the God of the universe and He can take a year to heal me, a week, or two years. God does everything in His own timing and although at times that can be frustrating, I am grateful for that. My prayers have been that God would speak clearly to me in what I am supposed to be doing now. It says in 2 Peter 3:8, "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day." My time limit of a year could turn into 5 months in God's timing.

The way that I seek after Jesus has changed since I started this journey. But that is not to say that when the label of "being intentionally single for a year" is removed that the way I seek Jesus will revert back. I strongly believe that because I have dealt with the things that kept me from seeking after The Lord as strong as I am now, the way I seek Him will stay the same if not grow more as I grow. I've been wrestling with The Lord over this, confused, asking Him why He might be calling me out of this because I committed to a year and was fully ready to stay committed. I don't want to shut a door that is supposed to stay open. What I have been hearing is simple. It's that the purpose God set before me I have accomplished.

I can sit here and say that I am confident God is calling me out of intentional singleness. You may judge me and think that what I'm doing is wrong and I should stick out the whole year, and that's okay. But know that I am still obeying God in this decision because He is the one calling me out of this. I may not know why God is telling me that my year is up at five months at the moment, but I am ready and willing for whatever that might be. I'm shutting this door and waiting for the next door to be opened and I'm doing so with excitement!

I hope and pray that you take this without judgement or looking down upon me for not finishing the entire year. I hope and pray that you'll pray alongside and with me as I continue to run after The Lord with all that I have simply without this label. I hope and pray that you would share in the excitement of whatever comes next with me. I love you and I'm praying for you! As always, please feel free to talk to me about anything here. 

Sometimes it's hard to be this real.

I swear time moves faster and faster each day. It's been 4 months now and it's time for the monthly update on my life. It's hard to pinpoint one or two things that God has been teaching me in the last month, so my apologies in advance for the random nature of this.

The theme of my life has been busy. I've let myself fall into the trap of always doing something. I've believed into the lie of society that being constantly busy is good, that it makes you more of a competitive person, and that's the way to earn success, right? At least, that's what society tells me. I've been so busy I'm often exhausted. I am learning though. Granted, it's a slow process but I am learning. I'm learning where to spend my time and how to spend it in the wisest way possible. Learning not to overextend myself with school, friends, activities, YL girls...the list goes on. But by overextending myself I'm not carving out the time I need to for Jesus and who else is gonna give me the  wisdom to do this other than Jesus? I'm not allowing myself to have God at the root of my heart and until I do I will never figure this out. Because when God is at the root, He'll order the rest of the things I love to where they need to be in my life. I'm learning how to say no to people and things, even the good things, so that I can begin to feel less exhausted and not stretched so thin to where I'm no good to anyone around me. 

My church, Greenhouse Church, here in Gainesville has been doing a series on Wisdom through Proverbs this semester and I've loved it! The last couple weeks have been about sex and sexual immorality as a whole. So part of what drove me into this year of intentional singleness had been what the last two sermons have been on. The week before, however, was on guarding your heart and what that actually looks like. If you recall, I mentioned that I couldn't seem to lay these regrets and sins down at the foot of the cross and walk away. That I can't seem to forgive myself. And Mike Patz said a few weeks ago, "the reason you can't forgive yourself is because you've let something else set up shop in your heart and set standards that God does not have for you." What words of truth. I've allowed feelings of guilt and shame and "rules" take place and tell me that I should not forgive myself. Guarding my heart isn't about keeping the wrong guys out or keeping the wrong things out, but keeping the right thing in and that's God and God alone. 

For so long I dealt with the branches of my sins, never the root of what caused it. I went trying to fix the point, not the path I was on. I quit the action, but never dealt with the cause. So you know, I gave small parts of me away in high school and expected not to feel broken and hurt. I expected it to fulfill my need, my loneliness, and my want for attention from a guy. I believed it when he said he wanted to go out with me, when he said he liked me. But in return I got none of that and then some things I did not expect nor did I want. I got the feeling of shame and regret. The guilt. The brokenness. I felt used and dirty. Too ashamed to tell my best friend, let alone bring it before The Lord.

     Now I'm going to be really honest and real here and this is definitely the hardest part for me. And this is the stuff I typically leave out of my life story when I share it because of the shame I feel, but my past is my past and it happened. It makes up who I am today and God and there's healing and power in the words of my testimony. BUT, it's hard to admit I've screwed up and that this is my past. Yes, I've never actually dated anyone, yes I've never been kissed, yes I've never had sex. But yes, a guy has still seen more of me than anyone who's not my husband should see. Yes, I was "that girl". And yes this guy wanted to take all those things from me in the end, but with strength that could only have come from Jesus I had the courage to finally say no. 

Lastly, I've been learning about the daily surrendering of my heart to God. I've been walking through hard stuff with a friend of mine and it's been weighing my heart down and weighing me down. My family has been, and is, going through a lot right now and I want to be at home with them but that can't happen because of school. It's really hard to watch your loved ones hurt and worry and you can't do a thing to fix the problems. It's hard to be on this end of things and be asking God, "Why us? Why my family? We've been through so much already in the last few years...why would you throw this at us?" My heart weighs heavy most days and it takes a lot of discipline to say "Here God, You take my heavy heart and You hold it. Because I'm at a loss and I'm weak and weary and I need You." pretty much daily. 

My prayer is that God would continue to teach me about surrendering my heavy heart to Him daily. That I would always believe that despite my past, I have a Redeemer. That I would continue to seek healing in The Lord. And that I would reorder my heart and make God the root so that He is my first love and he will order the rest to where they need to be. 

The beautiful thing is that I...

Have a fresh start in...

I'm rewired because of...

I can find healing in...

And I'm cleansed in...

The One who made it possible by taking on a tree of death for me, Jesus. 

He paid the price for me, He bought me out of love and grace. And not only did He do that by dying on the cross, the sits on the throne in Heaven. He reigns victorious. Battle won. He has Redeemed me from all of the mistakes I've made and the mistakes that I will make. What a beautiful picture of the life Jesus has to offer us. Fully covered and fully redeemed. 

I can be fully loved and fully known because I am covered. 

From the bottom of my heart.

The past few weeks of my life have been absolutely stressful and I know I didn't mention that in my last post, but that one was already long and focused on something else. I know that I don't usually post something so soon after one another, but this has been heavy on my heart and I don't know how else to express it.

For the past few weeks, I have felt very overwhelmed. Very stressed. Very much like I'm drowning in life. I have been consistently pushed and pulled in a lot of directions and frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted in every kind of exhaustion that exists: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've consistently felt like I'm drowning in everything for a solid few weeks now and I've become distant and detached because of it. 

In the midst of my frustrations last week, I was reminded to spend some quiet time with Jesus and rest in His love for me and I'll feel better because of it. As I was reminded that, I was rushing out of my apartment to work, after an already long day of class, eating my sandwich. I chose to spend the entire drive just chatting with Jesus, something I hadn't done in a while. My friend was right, I did feel better. I felt more at peace. Less like I'm sinking and more like I'm floating. But as the week went on the busyness of life remained constant, and even seemed to pick up the pace.

Due to all of this chaos in my life, I've become distant. I'm spent. I feel like I've poured out all I have to give and I hit empty. There's been no refills. And I know it's because I haven't made time for Jesus to rest in Him and His love. To be refilled by Him. I've filled my days start to finish and most of that doesn't include Jesus. Sure, I go to church and YL leadership, and even YL College now...but none of that compares to the quality quiet time with The Lord. 

So with that I am sorry. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart to those around me. I am sorry that I've become distant. I am sorry if I haven't been there for you like you needed or wanted me to be. I am sorry if I have been rude, it was completely unintentional. I am sorry if I have hurt you in any way, shape, or form. Please know how much I care and how much I've wanted to want to be there for you. How much I've wanted to be a better friend these past few weeks. Know that I still love every single one of you a whole bunch. Those who I'm closest with and around most often, I am extra sorry if you've needed me and I wasn't there for you. I want to love you, and love you well, and I haven't been doing a very good job of that. I may have physically been there for you, but emotionally or mentally I have been elsewhere. Will you forgive me? Will you hold me accountable? Will you pray for me? Will you pray with me? 

As I seek Jesus more and more right now, I'm beginning to no longer sink or float, but to swim. I hope that you can forgive me and know that I would never intentionally hurt you by being distant from you. I love y'all so stinkin' much and I promise that I really am always here for you, no matter what. 

"Lord I am listening"

3 months. It's been 3 months since I made the commitment to Jesus and to myself that I was going to be intentionally single for a year. I'm pretty certain time is moving quicker than ever before. I cannot believe it's been three months since I cried out to God and He called me to this year of intentional singleness. 9 months are left and I am so excited for every single one of those months because God grows, shapes, and teaches me more at every point along the way. What a blessing it is to serve a God who does that.

Last month I talked about how all of these old temptations were thrown in my face and how hard it was to avoid them. This month I have good news. Although talking to someone who caused a lot of damage is hard and potentially unhealthy, we had a good conversation about us and our past. I have always been scared to stand up to him with how he really made me feel. For the first time, I was completely honest. I spoke of my feelings of worthlessness, being used, unimportant, and brokenness. Although much didn't come back from his end, I found freedom. No longer did I feel as if he had all of this power over me. That freedom is indescribable. And it's beautiful.

My friend Chris worked for WinShape camps this summer where they taught kids about the love of Christ and a question they asked their kids was "Who sits on the throne on your heart?" and it became a question he asked himself a lot. It's now a question I ask myself.

Emily, who sits on the throne of your heart? Is it Jesus? Is it school? Is it your insecurities? I think the answer has been all of those things at some point in time. Ultimately, it needs to be Jesus. However, it is so hard to not let the busyness of life and the feelings of wanting to be good enough take over. I struggle living under the expectations and standards set for me by a parent and I think because of that seeing God's love as completely unconditional has always been something that is hard for me to grasp. I've been told I don't love well enough, that I don't succeed enough, I don't look enough, I've been told I bring hurt time and time again and as I sit on those words I hurt. My heart breaks. I get frustrated at myself and them. I find it harder to love that person more and more. In turn, I get upset with God. Why? How? All questions I ask as I begin to grow frustrated with Jesus. It's hard for me to not to get upset with God in those situations.
As Chris sat and talked about his experience this summer he told me about a book that Tullian Tchividjian, Billy Graham's grandson, wrote called "One Way Love" (which isn't actually out yet so props to Chris for being awesome) which happened to be ALL about God's unconditional love for us and His Grace. The day that he sent it to me, I was already finished with chapter 3. "Grace has the power to bind generations together" I read those words in this book and was stopped in my tracks. It clicked. If I can swallow my pride and begin to pour out unconditional love more and put less conditions on this relationship, things could change. Even when I don't rise up to the expectations set for me, I don't buy into that burden that starts to sit on my shoulders. I find my worth in Christ and Christ alone.

"The one-way love of God is restorative and reconciling because in the mystery of His cross, God has neutralized the effects of sin, forgiven its offense, blotted out its stain, expiated its guilt, and created a new beginning" (Tchividjian). This one-way love of God that I have a hard time grasping says that I shouldn't hold onto my sins. It says that God always knew I was going to make mistakes and He took care of them for me. It says that because of Christ, I get to have life instead of death. I can take these sins, let go, and let my heart feel redemption and restoration.

Another thing I struggle with is being "okay". "The Gospel, in other words, liberates us to be okay with not being okay" (Tchividjian). I recently felt needy for asking a couple of people on my YL team to pray for me as I was missing my sweet friend that passed away back in April because in my head all I heard was "Emily, you should be okay by now, its July. She died in April. Get over yourself." How ridiculous was I to buy into that lie?! I called my friend Abby and she challenged to walk back inside that house and ask them for prayer and that is what I did, including my feelings of seeming needy. I was encouraged by their words of affirmation in not being needy and them being there for me, always. Just one example of me struggling with being okay with not being okay.
(I'll reflect more on the book later, it's awesome)

This past month has been cause for a lot of growth. It feels like leaps and bounds. I'm grateful for the God that I serve and the way that He loves me. Because Jesus is a Savior, He takes my brokenness and makes it beautiful(All Sons & Daughters, Brokenness Aside) and that is something that's been so evident in this time, this last month especially. I've found freedom in places I've always found myself in chains, grown in my relationship with Christ, realized things I could do to make certain relationships better, and know that it's okay to not be okay.

Prayers: that I can begin to always grasp the unconditional love of God, continual redemption of my heart, broken relationships in my life, and being open to what God has in store for me in these next 9 months.

I'll leave you with a beautiful song by All Sons & Daughters. Let the words resonate with you, they've been heavy on my heart. Spirit Speaks

Love y'all and as always, let me know if you have any comments or questions. Would love to speak with you.

2 months in.

Update on my heart in this year of intentional singleness:
Lately I've had trouble trusting Jesus. Trusting that His will is perfect and planned out. That this being intentionally single for a year was the right choice. I've struggled with the alignment of my heart. That my heart may just be too broken for this, that I'm too weak for this.

Boy, was I wrong! I've been proven wrong over and over again. God sure does show up in ways that I would never expect.

I got to have some absolutely amazing conversations with girls at camp where I had the honor of sharing my heart and some of the things I had been through to help encourage them. Scared that these things only would leave me wounded and a broken girl, God has been weaving my story into so much good right in front of my face.

I read a passage in Proverbs the other day that really spoke to me and just encouraged me with the truth, 2:12-15. It basically talks about wisdom saving you from those whose ways are wrong, who try and bring you down...etc. I read this on a night when I needed it most. It encouraged me to continue to dig deeper into the Word to find the true wisdom that I need to be of aid in every situation and I pray that I will continue to do so.

However, as I struggle with the alignment of my heart in this year of singleness, I find myself wanting someone to pursue me. At times, I find myself wondering if I'm saying or doing the right things. That's NOT what I want this year to be about. I DO however want it to be about not pursuing or wanting to be pursued by a guy. I want it to be about me pursuing Jesus with everything I have, running after Him with all that I got because I want to grow exponentially with him. On the other hand, the person who caused all of this heartache in the first place is hard to let go of for no other reason than he's just him. I've recently found myself responding to his attempts at talking to me and later hating myself for it. I'm starting to realize just how much power he has over me and that's not okay.

 So I begin to feel weak and like I will never be able to heal. That's the enemy. He's telling me all of these lies and it's becoming harder to ignore them. He's throwing all of these old temptations back into my life multiple times a day and it's getting harder to resist them and I'm not going to lie, I've definitely given in more than once. It's easy to forget that the Great I Am forgave me for my decisions when I feel so much regret and shame in them but He lived a life I could never live, died a death I deserved-not Him-and rose to life because that's how He forgives. So I know God is going to continue to do great things in my life in these next 10 months because nobody knows, not even myself, the extent of my broken heart but Love does. (Props to Brandon Heath for a fantastic song, Love Does).

So I pray for continual strength and peace. I pray that I will be able to be still and know that He is God. For restoration and redemption of my heart. For Jesus to provide me with the ability to not take part in these things so my heart can heal. I ask that you would pray alongside me as I continue to make this journey in the redemption of my heart, in the pursuit of healing my heart, and in the desire to feel not so broken anymore.

Contentment.

There's this idea of contentment. And this idea of happiness. And I think it's mainly believed that in order to be content one must be happy. However, I fully believe that these are two separate entities. Happiness comes in seasons. It's very much like a roller coaster. Comparatively, contentment is a way of living. Contentment is not so much up and down as it is a lifestyle. Contentment, to me, means peace. Why are these two things seemingly so correlated but so easily confused?  

I think Jesus calls us to be content. However, I don't think that Jesus doesn't want us to be happy because He loves for us to be happy. He even says in the book of 1 Thessalonians "Be joyful always.." (5:16). I also do not think we're not allowed to be sad, because there is a time for everything.

    "a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace." (Ecclesiastes 3:2-8)

Regardless of all of that, Jesus calls us to be content.

“Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.” (Philippians 4:11-12)

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:10)

I'm learning to be content right now. More so, I'm learning to apply that to my life. I'm learning what it means to be content where my feet are walking in that moment. I have yet to figure it out, and I probably will never do that, but I am praying for contentment in my life; whether it be a victory or a loss.

I'm praying that Jesus will continue to teach me to be content in my walk and with whatever He is doing in my life.

Regret.

When I started this blog, it was to write about the things that Jesus is teaching me. In order to share what Jesus is teaching me that means I have to be real and raw, even when I might not want to be. This is one of those times.

"I don't have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves.." The way that He loves. Powerful line in a powerful song. Every time I hear this song I am reminded of how little I actually grasp of God's love for me. His love is astounding. Magnificent. Beautiful. Breathtaking. So many adjectives could be used to describe the reason that no one should hold on to regrets. His love. And the way that He loves us. Mind you, I listen to a lot of music and constantly have a song stuck in my head but this one line never left over the last couple of weeks.

I had a really good conversation with a good friend recently about our lives, Jesus, the usual stuff we tend to talk about. The conversation then turned deep when the word "regret" started to be thrown around. We started to talk about the things that we regret in our lives. My friend shared with me that there are some things in his or her life that he or she cannot simply leave at the foot of the cross, letting go completely and walk away knowing that he or she is forgiven. I began to share where I struggled with that. I also struggle with not being able to leave a few things at the foot of the cross and walking away from them.

Now to go on sort of a tangent, that relates, I promise...I was challenged to watch Andy Stanley's "The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating" message series after I had spent time chatting with a friend about my life and guy problems and where I've been. She really encouraged me to watch the series saying that it would be good for me. I didn't take her seriously at first and put off watching the series for a couple of weeks constantly making up excuses about how I didn't have time or was too tired. However, as soon as I started the first message in the series I knew that she was right. I knew that Jesus was going to use these words for good in my life. The third message in the series stuck out to me a lot, and to be honest I haven't watched the last one yet. In this, Andy Stanley said the words "When you sin sexually, you hurt yourself in the deepest way imaginable." I'm almost certain that I have never fully realized the extent of how badly I was hurt, how much my heart ached, or how I really haven't forgiven myself for the things that I've done. (I really encourage you to listen to this series because it is really encouraging and freeing, in my opinion. Also, eye-opening). Towards the end of the message Andy Stanley talked about this one line in this one song, the same one I quoted above. He was saying that when you find yourself tempted to wallow in those regrets, tempted to hold on to these things you've done simply say no because you don't have time for that. You don't have time to do any of those things because of the way that HE LOVES YOU. Because of Jesus' love for you, you don't have to hold tightly to these things. I feel like Jesus slapped me in the face a lot, in painful, but good, ways.

I watched that series the day before I had that conversation with my friend. A single day. God knew what He was doing when He orchestrated my conversation and when I watched that particular message that day. He knew that both of these things would involve the topic of regret. Andy Stanley, in various times, challenges people to take a year off of dating. To take a year to be intentionally single to work on your heart and who you are in and with Jesus. And he gives more reasons and you can listen to his messages to hear them. In the spirit of being real, I thought that was silly the first few times I heard him talk about it. Until I watched this series and I had a feeling that I needed to take the challenge. That night I began to cry out to God unsure of what He wanted but all I knew was I wanted so badly to leave these things at the cross and walk away knowing I'm forgiven. As I began to physically cry, I knew God was telling me to take it. Take a year to work on my heart. To let Him into these areas I think I let Him in but I never really did. To heal. To forgive myself. To know I'm forgiven. To forgive the person who hurt me. And in this year I'm going into friendships with guys not asking the "What if...?" question, or "Could it happen??" question. That these friendships are all purely friendships for a year.

Sorry this one was extra lengthy, but Jesus did a lot in the last week and I didn't know how to shorten it any, so I didn't. I know that I didn't exactly go into the details of what happened in my life, but if you know me, feel free to ask me about it. I'll gladly talk to you. In the meantime, be praying for me over this next year. God has already opened up a couple really awesome doors and I'm excited to see how this year of intentional singleness shapes, molds, and grows me as a woman seeking after Jesus. Because I simply don't have time to maintain these regrets because of how He loves me.

June 10th, 2014 will be a year. Ask me how it was come then.

Grieving.

It's been a long time since I wrote anything but God has been teaching me a lot about so many things lately. Last time I talked about my sweet friend Melissa and the strength she gave me and the lessons she's taught me.

Since then, Melissa went home to be with Jesus. On April 23, 2013 Melissa took her last breath and I found after that her last few breaths were easy. How sweet. I am so grateful that her last breath was easy.  However, my heart was so broken. My heart hurt tremendously because I had just lost an amazingly sweet friend. I've never had a real experience with death before and so I was at a total loss of what to do and death is something that is handled differently depending on who you are. For me, I spent two weeks keeping myself really busy and not allowing myself to grieve. I did whatever I needed to do to keep myself busy and to not let myself sit with my thoughts. That can be a seemingly unhealthy way to go about this. See, in those two weeks I was keeping myself from grieving the beautiful life of someone who showed me what walking with Jesus really looked like and in those two weeks I'm certain that I didn't seek after Jesus.

God showed up in those two weeks through so many people in my life, regardless that I wasn't trying to seek Jesus. My YL team has been an incredible wall to lean on during this time of heartache. I think in my time of hurt and lack of wanting to seek Jesus they showed me Jesus in tangible ways. My friend Liz and her roommates took me in, literally, and let me stay at their house to be around people that love me and care for me during all of this.

Learning how to deal with the loss of a friend is never easy, but after this last month without her I have learned a lot about loving others well and focusing on Jesus because that's what matters. It took a couple of weeks to get there but at one point Jesus really got to my broken heart and I opened the eyes of my heart to let Jesus really comfort me.

In this God showed me that He is truly the only one that can hold my heart, broken or whole. In this God showed me that I was still here at UF for a reason. God knew exactly what He was doing when I got placed on GHS because I needed that family in this. I'm learning to really love people and love people well, although I fail at it often, I'm praying for the Lord to help me in that.

Psalms 34:18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." This verse brought me a lot of comfort this last month. I'm thankful for the Lord staying close to my broken heart even when I didn't see it.

Melissa, you are a sweet young woman who set the world on fire with your love for Christ and for others. You taught me so much about life and love and Jesus. Miss your sweet smile everyday and I know I have a precious angel watching over me. I'm thankful for all you allowed the Lord to do through you to me and so many others. Love you and miss you every day.

Dependence.

I have this incredible friend whose name is Melissa. She's an inspiration to many. She's one of my biggest role models. She's the bravest person I've ever met. The strongest. Most courageous. Loving. Kind. Sweet. Hilarious. Pretty. Person. Ever. And I love her so stinkin' much. Melissa was born with Cystic Fibrosis, which effects your lungs, and has had transplants and is also in end-stage kidney failure. She's in and out of the hospital frequently and life has had a lot of bumps in the road for her. But our God provides and is faithful and He has brought her this far already. Last summer, 2012, she was at death's door but Jesus closed that one and opened one up for some healing and relief. As of right now, I'm praying she'll make it through the night.

It's hard to stay dependent on God in this situation. It's hard to trust that things will be okay, no matter the circumstances. It's hard to know these things.

But it's also easy to know that God has Melissa wrapped up in His arms. It's easy to know that I can find comfort in Jesus. It's easy to know that if God calls her home, she'll be really excited to meet Him. And if not, she's totally excited to serve Him still here on earth.

With all that being said, God has blessed me with an incredible community here that I can lean on and rely on. Tonight I crawled on my friend's couch while two of them rubbed my back and head and I laid on one of their laps and cried. Simply cried.

God taught me a lot last summer when Melissa almost died. He taught me a lot about finding rest in Him and depending on Him. I'm relearning this lesson right now. Selfishly, I want her here for as long as possible. But selflessly, I want her to be in no more pain.

All that being said, I'm learning again what it seriously means to be dependent on God through the illness of my friend. I'm learning that walking by faith and not sight is most important. I'm learning that if I don't rely on God then I won't get through anything even near to the severity of losing a friend. That I really need to speak words of love and encouragement into other people's lives. To be intentional with my relationships with people and to listen and love them so much more than I do. I'm learning to live a life with lots more love and lots more faith and dependence on the One who matters.

Frustrations.

I've been struggling with my frustrations a lot lately. I even said last night that emotionally, I am done. I can't do this anymore. Being emotionally exhausted makes every other part of me exhausted and that's been me for the last few days. I haven't been able to even come close to getting a grip on it.

I have been so caught up in what was going on in my life that at times I forget to turn to Jesus about them. I forget that I can find comfort in Him and in His love.

It's frustrating when someone close to you continually puts you down. Continually puts your faith down. Continually puts something you love doing down. It's frustrating that they don't get it. It's frustrating that they don't see why you do what you do or believe what you believe. I start to try to take comfort in the natural emotional response of anger. I try to find rest in the fact that being angry is okay. The reality is that those feelings never fully satisfy me. They wear me out and wear me down. I become easily worn.

Jesus says that because He was persecuted, we will be persecuted also. At times, that is frustrating. I don't want loves ones criticizing my faith and beliefs or what I do for God. Sometimes I wish God just waved a magic wand and my life would be great and hurt free. But what kind of life is that? How will I ever learn or grow? Some of my biggest growths have come from hurt and pain.

The Bible also says in Isaiah 26:3 that "You will keep in perfect peace those who minds are steadfast, because they trust you." We can be given this peace, not any peace but God's peace, when we keep our minds set on Him. How awesome is that?! We can remain at peace when we focus on God. Not an easy thing to do because it's easy to throw our anger on Him when something goes wrong. That's one solution. The better solution is to seek Him even more. Wrap yourself up in His love. Know that He will guide you through whatever it may be. Know that He is never letting to of you. And you can find true rest and comfort in Him. His peace. His love.

I choose Jesus. I choose to find rest in Him. I choose to know His love for me is very real and never failing. Although I know all of those things, not letting my angry flesh take hold is still something I struggle with daily. And only Jesus can help me beat it.

Worth.

Worth.

What a powerful word. A word with meaning. A word that can change a person. A word I've been struggling with.

We find our worth in lots of different things: Our success. Our academics. Boys. Girls. Friends. Family. Careers. Wealth. Fitting in. Love.

If we can just achieve some of these things and achieve them well then we'll be okay. We tend to think that these are the things that matter and determine our worth in this world. For me, I always wanted to fit in. I wanted to be well-liked. I wanted people to know that I existed and be my friend.  That was one of my heart's deepest desires and I'm pretty sure if all went as I hoped then I would have been over the moon excited. But that's not exactly how my story went. I was incredibly shy and I wasn't well-liked. In fact, I was made fun of a lot when I entered public school, I was homeschooled through 5th grade, and it continued into jr.high. People were mean and rude and I thought life sucked. I used the ever so common "I'm fine" way too often. I was finding my worth in what people thought of me and I didn't necessarily have someone at home to help "fix" me. My mother shows love in seemingly unloving ways and her words hurt. Comments about my weight. Comments about what I wore. Comments about what I did. You name it, she had a judgement about it. I was continually finding my worth in people's opinions of me and that's how I defined who I was in life. I opened a box full of insecurities and honestly, I haven't closed it yet.

As I got older I found worth in not just other people's opinions but I especially cared what guys thought. To this day I've never dated anyone and have never been kissed but know that doesn't make me innocent. I have been more emotionally and physically involved with someone than I ever should have been. He gave attention and I was quick to take it. And when I no longer got the same attention I felt worthless. I thought I wasn't good enough. Maybe those bullies were right, maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I pushed all these feelings aside and there came "I'm fine" again.

My mom puts me on an emotional roller coaster pretty consistently. One day she's mad and upset over the littlest thing and the next she thinks I'm fantastic. Most recently, however, she sent an email and it was all about how disappointed she was in me. Talk about a huge blow to my self-esteem. To what I thought about my worth. I've never felt good enough or like I'll ever live up to what she wants me to be, never getting her ultimate approval.

Worth.

I've been struggling with that word a lot lately. What it means to me. Where I stand in it and where I place my worth. A powerful word. After I got that email a good friend reminded me of an even more powerful truth. That I have a Father in Heaven who sees me as beloved and worth dying for. Get that? Worth dying for. Not worthless. But worth more. More than I'll ever know. Worth enough for Jesus to die for me. Worth enough that He would have died had it been to save solely me. Worth enough to love me unconditionally, faults and all.

Yes, the things our parents say have weight to them. They can build us up or cut deep to our core. Yes, there are guys out there that see girls as objects and use them. Yes, all these things exist that we tend to put our worth in. And not so much in where it truly matters. In Christ. See, I have a Father that will always love, always forgive, always be there, and always help. To not find my worth in Him would be silly. God has been reminding me a lot lately that I'm not finding my worth in Him, but in others. And He is all that matters so despite how much others have hurt me I can find peace, comfort and rest in Him and His unconditional, unending love for me.

That in Him, not only am I worth MORE. I am worth EVERYTHING.